england was so amazing, the trip of a lifetime. and i really wish i were still there. being here isn't doing anything for me. i want to go back..

i don't know if i can put into words what's going on in my head right now. but i guess i can try..
braxton is amazing..he has every quality i've ever looked for in a guy.
i'm so confused. who am i kidding? i can't write this.

i’m having trouble saying what i mean
with dead poets and drum machines.



no hyperbole to hide behind.
my naked soul exposes.

and i'm pissed because i let myself get dragged into a camp high.. again.

i need a true accountability partner who i can keep in touch with and make into that best friend figure that's missing from my life. i hate feeling like everyone who i've become close with over the past couple years is out of my life. it's like, out with the old and in with the new. i want the old back. without teenage hormones getting in the way, without drugs and alcohol creeping in and corrupting every relationship i've had.

on our last night in england, i had a conversation with chris about my close friends who have recently slipped into things that are far from godly. i guess he helped me figure out that the real reason i act bitter at them for getting into that stuff is because i'm scared. i know that they were once at the same morality level as me..not to say that i'm an angel, because i've slipped lately too. but they used to be christian, church-going girls with spotless records. i'm scared that i could fall into it after seeing important people in my life take the plunge for intoxicating things. i'm not saying that i'm going to go out and get high and drunk just because others influence me. i have will power, and i can withstand the temptation for now. but if people just like me were capable of falling to these things, what's stopping me from doing the same? what makes me so different from them? yeah, that's all i got. bye for now.